20 Things
by Biscuit50
Summary: In thinking where she'd like her relationship with Martin to go, Louisa makes a list.


Doc Martin is owned by Buffalo Pictures

Set early in Season 3 … Louisa formalizes a list about Martin.

**20 Things**

I don't know when I fell in love with Martin. I've found him interesting almost from the beginning. That whole first day when he stared at me on the plane, I thought he was being rude and completely inappropriate. When it later turned out that he had been staring because he noticed a cloud in my eye and thought it was some sort of glaucoma and … he was right. I could have lost my vision in that eye. The specialist was quite impressed by how I had learned of the diagnosis, and suddenly, I realized how truly special Martin was.

His lack of normal social interactions, however, can drive a normal person to distraction. He really doesn't engage with the same understanding of what those interactions are, or seem to rely on them in any way that I can discern. It is the strangest thing. I want to know him better, but I can't seem to have a basic conversation with him because it's almost like he doesn't "do" conversations. And yet, there's no question, there's something there, and I want to know him better.

When the whole Danny thing blew up, and with the excitement of Delph's accident and going to the hospital, I invited Martin to share a bottle (ok, more than one as it turned out), so we could get to know each other better. I really wanted him to get to know him better. I think I was on to something, but after confessing his fascination with me, wanting to catch a glimpse of me each day and that he was in love with me, and then accusing me the next day, when I said I returned his affections, of stalking him and that I couldn't possibly be in love, that we didn't know each other well enough, it's enough to make me … want him more.

What is wrong with me?

I had instigated that conversation with Martin with a somewhat haphazard statement: there are 20 things about you that are crap. I wonder, are there really 20 things about him that are crap? Off the top of my head, I can name 9 or 10, but 20? That seems excessive – but sometimes that's my nature. I pop out the words, then realize I need to backtrack. For the record, and to see how close I am, I won't list them in order but more in how they come to mind.

1. Rude. There's no question Martin can be rude. Whether he's running to be in front of others in a queue at the chemist's or insisting that he be taken care of immediately because he has a surgery to attend. He's forever telling people what they should do, even when they're professionals doing their jobs, such as the ambulance attendants, or, dare I say it, me on any number of topics. In his defense, I should say that he is the doctor. He's communicating efficiently with the people who need to know what he knows about the patients, his patients. It just sounds like he's barking orders or demands.

2. Brusque. Martin is often in a hurry, whether he's responding to an emergency or not. As stated before, his communication style is abbreviated in the extreme. He doesn't over-communicate. In fact, the reverse, he sort of under-communicates and he comes across as very brusque, according to many people. I've certainly observed it myself. To be fair to Martin, however, he doesn't waste words, that's for certain. I think it leads me to the next word on my list …

3. Withholding. In his position, Martin has access to confidential patient information. He withholds that information from others, ostensibly because it's his duty as a physician to keep patient matters confidential. But he can be quite maddening about the whole thing, particularly because he's so good at being stonefaced about what he knows and when he chooses to reveal it. I think back to that whole incident about his visiting Roger (or not visiting Roger) in hospital when he was facing surgery on his throat and in danger of losing his voice permanently. I ranted at Martin about his lack of compassion in visiting his only patient, only to later find out that he had paid Roger a visit and taken completely appropriate care of him. It was highly embarrassing that Martin didn't stop me from ranting about the whole thing in front of Roger. He can be so disorienting.

4. Monosyllabic. You could not call Martin's conversational style anything other than spare. Earlier I said that he doesn't waste words. Truly, there are many instances where he seems overprotective of every syllable he utters. Why use two, when one will do, seems to be his practice. The effect of his brevity is to create distance between himself and everyone else. He doesn't engage in simple conversational back and forth. Or when he does, he's brief to the point of not communicating at all. This style makes it particularly hard when one is trying to get to know him. And, how weird is this, I still want to get to know more about him.

5. Gruff. Martin appears to be gruff and insensitive, pretty much all the time in public. He doesn't go out of his way at all to smooth things over with any social niceties. I wonder, does he do it deliberately? It almost seems so, since he's perfectly capable of acting appropriately. I can only assume he chooses not to. But does it cover up a softer side of him? I keep thinking that it does. After all, he's in the most caring profession of all, taking care of people's health. I suppose that's one of the contradictions that keeps me interested in him. On the outside, he appears not to care at all about people. But the core of the most important thing to him, his job, is all about caring for people.

6. Arrogant. Martin's self-assurance and his lack of social graces combine to make him appear incredibly arrogant. The fact that he's an outsider, a Londoner, adds to the perception that he's arrogant. Come to think of it, he often presents himself as an all-knowing creature, no doubt a holdover from his days as a respected surgeon. And he does refer to many in the village as idiots of one sort or another. The other side of that coin is that he's often right – he does know more than the rest of us, thank God, when he's diagnosing illness and looking after us.

7. Inflexible. Martin is incredibly inflexible, for even the most basic of things. When I invited him for dinner, he insisted on eating early because he says that if he eats later, it interferes with his sleep. The whole carbohydrate curfew, as I call it, makes sense I suppose. I prefer to eat later. Of course, eating earlier allows for hours of other activities in the evening, if one has hobbies or interests, to fill those hours. I can think of a few things I'd like to spend the evenings doing with Martin. I wonder if he might be interested in participating in some of those activities?

8. Lack of initiative. I know he likes me on a basic level. But as I reminded him, he never does anything to take any initiative or move us forward. It is frustrating in the extreme. I don't know where it comes from. Professionally, he's nothing but decisive. Personally, he's nothing but reserved. Is that the right word? Perhaps he is unsure of himself where I am concerned, despite my practically having thrown myself at him when the door has been the slightest bit open. Perhaps he doesn't have a lot of experience with women at all. I don't know. He's so hard to get to know, I suppose that's a real possibility. Joan has talked occasionally about his childhood and his parents and their peculiar relationship. And it is true, when his parents where here visiting, Martin was distressed, rude and even told me to shut up when I offered to listen if he wanted to talk about them. We've all had to overcome our own histories, haven't we? I mean, we've both had parents with issues, and we've both turned into professionals despite it. But we've probably taken very different paths to get there. I wish we could share some of these things. I have a feeling it would be good for both of us. But I digress.

9. Formal dresser. I don't know whether this is a truly crap thing about Martin, but he wears his suits like armor. He's dressed for the battle that is living in a village like ours? I don't quite understand it. Portwenn is a lovely village, with all kinds of charm. I would even describe the people that way too. Yet another one of the ways that Martin distances himself from all of us is his dress. He never takes off a suit, whether he's seeing patients or visiting his aunt at her farm or whatever, mucking about. I even commented about it before I realized it, when I was going to try surfing … that I'd like to see him out of that suit … and in a wetsuit. But to be truthful, the wetsuit was an afterthought. I want to see him out of a suit altogether. He looked equally distinguished in a scrub shirt following being covered with Peter Cronk's blood, that time he saved Peter's life in the ambulance. I don't know whether he dresses that way because he likes it or whether he is just used to it or what. I myself dress more formally for work, but after I'm finished with school, I prefer to put on jeans and let my hair down, so to speak. I like to relax. I suppose it could be a holdover from his days as a professional in London, but I think even there, the most urbane of men and women also relax in their attire. No, I think it's Martin. I wonder if he ever really relaxes. Maybe that's why it bothers me. He never seems to let his hair down. It's not healthy. I had asked him, when he was in the process of diagnosing my anemia, whether he ever worries about things, and what he does to relax. He responded, his hobby. But he was nearly done with that clock, and it might be time to try something new. I had hoped the something new might be me.

10. Can't hold his alcohol. Now, this may be truly debatable, whether this constitutes crap. He was completely honest about his lack of ability in this area, and he was right. He falls asleep, dead asleep as it turned out, when he consumes alcohol. Is this really a personal failing? I'm going to have to say, probably not. The related area, of course, is he's therefore never able to let his guard down. He's always in control. Look what happened prior to his falling asleep: he confessed his love for me. Except was it real or was he so disinhibited by the alcohol that he would say anything. I wish he would loosen up more frequently around me. Honestly, I'm so attracted to him on so many levels. I would like to explore what all that means, if only I could get him to admit, when he's sober, that he likes me in the way I believe he does. Once again, it just makes me want him more.

11. Alone. I've been sitting here debating whether I'm projecting my situation onto Martin, or whether I'm attracted to him because I want to be part of a really exclusive club – him and me. Besides the attraction that I believe we share on some level, I keep thinking that we would be a good couple. We're both independent, we both have our own interests, we're both engaged in our professional lives. But it would be nice to have him to talk things over with at the end of the day, to have dinner with, to sleep with … I won't deny it, I'm alone too, and I would welcome having Martin to share so many things with.

12. Hot tempered. Martin has a short fuse. He gets truly worked up by certain events. I suppose it's his passion for doing things the right way (his way), but he acts so indignant when anyone questions him. Now that I think of it, though, his temper rises mainly when he's trying to escalate people to action, in response to an emergency, often a medical one. The fact that he demonstrates such passion makes me believe that, if ignited properly, he would likely be a passionate lover. Actually, when the two of us get going with each other, and we seem to do it a fair amount of the time, we do seem to have some potential for sparks. If only we could direct them in a mutually beneficial way and more frequently!

13. Drives a big car. You know what they say, that men who drive big cars, or flashy cars, are compensating for something. Is Martin compensating for something by driving a totally inappropriate car for a village like Portwenn. Perhaps when he was in London, that was an acceptable car to have, although, come to think of it, who even needs a car in London? But that's not the issue. Here in Portwenn, a smaller car is actually better for navigating the small roads. In other areas of his life, he doesn't appear to care what other people think. Maybe he just likes the workmanship of his car. Maybe it suits him because he's a big person and it fits him. I hadn't thought of that before. A smaller car might work for a smaller man, but let's face it, Martin is head and shoulders taller than most. Perhaps it's exactly the right car. Oh dear, I'm going in the wrong direction here.

14. Doesn't appreciate the beauty of the village we live in. Martin moved here from London. One might think that part of the reason for doing so was the actual beauty of this place. I love sitting out on my back deck, enjoying the sunshine, the view and the sea. I also love the way the light plays on the cliffs, and the wildlife. Martin hardly seems to notice the natural beauty of Portwenn. I often go for walks just to enjoy the scenery, whether to get exercise, or enjoy Nature's beauties or the smells of the flowers and herbs growing in the fields. The most I can tell about Martin's enjoyment of Nature's beauty here is his occasional cup of espresso drunk while he stands outside on his front porch. I've seen him many times doing that, and then he turns around and heads back in. True, his front porch isn't as private as my deck overlooking the water, but he could join me for a walk now and again. Perhaps I will ask him to join me; maybe he's waiting for my invitation.

15. Inappropriate. Coupled with rude, this behavior covers a lot of territory for Martin. That time we kissed and he duly informed me that I had bad breath – I was extremely shocked and embarrassed. I could hear him working it out … the best outcome would be some sort of dietary mishap or some such crap. It was humiliating. Although it came right on the heels of me spontaneously kissing him in the cab, on our way back from the hospital when he saved Peter's life. Maybe he was caught off guard and truly didn't know what to say or do in that situation. He returned my kiss quite passionately before presenting his bizarre opinion on my dental hygiene (or seeming lack thereof). He did it again when I kissed him while we shared the wine. Again, when we were kissing, there is no question of our mutual attraction. I know he responds physically to me – and I can hardly contain myself with him. It feels like we're on the verge of something special … and then the next day, he completely turns the situation around on me. I'm not the one who blurted out my fascination with him – no, the reverse. We're clearly attracted to each other – in his case, on a level not quite rising to waking consciousness. And then he goes off on this ridiculous tangent … which infuriates me and breaks my heart all at the same time. I wonder what causes him to do this. Because now that I think of it, his inappropriate comments come exactly when we're on the verge of taking our relationship a step further and getting closer.

16. Determined to tell the truth, no matter whom it hurts. Martin's lack of social graces and his personal ethical code don't allow him to soften the truth as he sees it. Hence his unkind remark about my breath, or fully describing my telling him I returned his love as erotomania (stalking) … He views not being brutally honest as somehow being dishonest, but they're not really the same things, are they? His focus on telling the truth is honorable – he just needs to combine it with some compassion, especially in his business, because there are times he must deliver some awful news to his patients. I wish he were willing to acknowledge and tell the truth about how he feels about me/us.

I don't think I accomplished what I set out to do … list the 20 things about Martin that are crap. It was as I originally said, he's Martin through and through. In thinking about nearly everything on my shorter than 20 list, I find myself excusing his behavior, or rationalizing it. It doesn't diminish how I feel about him at all. In fact, in my rationalizations, I realize how much more I begin to see things his way. His behaviors – whether rude or brusque or inappropriate – are often triggered by external events. They are not inborn, or are they? When by himself, he's so many other things – studious, focused, careful. He plans things carefully, he's meticulous in his appearance and how he manages his practice. He takes care of himself, eating healthily, always well groomed. He takes care of his car, washing it himself (albeit in a suit).

He is alone, but I cannot tell whether he's lonely or simply introverted. He really doesn't seek out friendship with others, but that could well be a response to having been different as a child and not having many friends. Chris Parsons holds him in extremely high regard professionally, and he's known him a long time. But I've never seen Martin "hanging out" with anyone, and in the time he's been here, I've never seen him have a visitor from anywhere. Maybe he doesn't need human interaction, or maybe it's a wall he's built up. Because if you never let people in, they can't disappoint you, can they? Come to think of it, he's sort of friends with Roger. Well, maybe friends is overstating, but they've arrived at a friendly understanding.

The only person who treats him completely normally is Joan. Maybe that's why he chose to come here, to be close to the only person who treats him as a son and as a person. She certainly cuts him no slack (or me either, as when she suggested if I had a problem with him, I should take it up with him directly and that I was as responsible for him being here as anyone, since I was on the selection committee and had an actual vote). The fact that she loves him so fiercely speaks well of him, I think. She's a decent judge of character, and she's completely consistent. It was one of the things about her that broke my heart, with regard to my father's stealing that money from the fund. The fact that she caught him redhanded was more substantial than my father's denials, as it turned out.

So that's a strong point for Martin. Her love for him speaks volumes about him, as does his love for her. He's lucky to have her. Given that his own parents are so beyond the pale, it's good to know he has one person who loves him unswervingly. He deserves that.

I just wish I could officially and openly join that club. Right now, it's like I'm a secret member of it. It's not really a secret, is it? I'm quite taken with him and I think about him a lot. I even dream about him. I cannot help it. Even with all the things going on in my life, my friends, my relatively busy schedule, I'm still distracted by him in a way that somewhat defies explanation. Unless it's just really simple … as I told him, I love him. Love covers a lot.

But I need to get over him, because whether he returns my feelings or not, he doesn't appear willing to act on them, and I don't think I can stand it any longer. When Bert said to me that I don't appear to want kids because I wasn't doing anything about it, I realized that he's right. If Martin's not willing to move forward, I need to move on. I'll give him another chance – maybe invite him to a party, or even Holly's upcoming concert. Perhaps under different circumstances, he can loosen up and I can persuade him that we might be good together if he would just give us a chance.


End file.
